I say, “Welcome back.” It has been a long while since I wrote something other than in a journal this year and a half I’ve been away. My time away was due to my personal relationship ended after 13 years, I took it really hard. I am much better after taking a break. It is a good thing sometimes to just pair things down and just survive.
I will admit that this time was the time of “Putting Yourself Down”. As far as challenges go this would be something you’d want to change. But due to the changes in my life, this became the one thing that was unavoidable. It’s the worst thing you can do to yourself. It’s visceral and with a relationship ended that was not seen, you can only tear into yourself. Who needs enemies when you are your own worst enemy.
I second guessed myself, I berated myself for things that in hindsight I felt I should have seen. I have learned something simple is to see the flaws for what they were and did I learn something from them. Yes, I learned that you have to get the ‘stuff’ out of your head onto paper or you torture yourself as you go viscously in circles. That was the enemy within.
So writing down the things that you replay in your mind is the best thing to ‘airing your laundry’ kind of therapy. Not everyone will be comfortable writing things down. Many times I wished for him back. But in that, he refused to even talk to me. So I did all I could to not break down except at home. I shielded myself with work with mindless TV shows and journaling.
From my journal: “Do you feel the darkness, the mirror of your face reflected back at you from the deepest abyss and where you feel the pain like an all-consuming live hot wire and yet you feel the coldest of ice in your veins, like someone dead? When all that was is so destroyed, and you stare at a black mirror in that timeless space wishing things to end?…”
One paragraph after another was the catharsis that helped me move from one day to the next. My hashtag on IG was #onedayatatime and #healinginbitsandpieces. Each day was a gift and I did take a big breath and move through the days sometimes just chanting a mantra of “one minute, one hour” you can do this. Get up and walk for a minute and come back with my mind still holding hands with my sanity.
We also put ourselves down, in this time of stress and change. I said the below and more even hurtful things I’ll not post.
- “How could I’ve not seen this?”
- “What did I do wrong? Everything!”
- “You’re getting old and stupid!”
- “You’re a blind bitch!”
I had to stop at some point. That point came when we (body and mind are separate entities) were so raw with emotion and we can no longer cry, no longer yell at ourselves, no longer take the beratings. That we see ourselves at the bottom of the well and it is now empty. That we see the ladder and the light above our heads. We can then start to sew our body and mind back into one being.
Each day the journal helped empty my head and heart of feelings. Each day was a significant milestone, a year built into one day. We’ve all been there and we hate the way it makes us feel. We do come back to life, we do feel the shock disappear and we awaken once more to a beautiful day without the pangs of anger, loss, and helplessness. We also stop thrashing ourselves back and forth over the floor like a wet mop!
So I learned to not be my own worst enemy, for I had to be my friend when friends also have to go back to their family’s and their duties after supporting me. I am ever grateful for the late-night chats via text or phone that my friends provided that ‘life-line’ when I felt low. I am ever grateful that I looked into the abyss and saw myself and felt the fire and ice and was able to come back by sheer will. I am grateful that I learned to stop putting myself down for surviving each day. We cannot destroy ourselves for we have the desire to win, as long as we come to realize that.
I came to find the beauty in myself, the beauty in life, the beauty in being me, and being someone who can love themself without having to define it by another. I came to realize that being a visionary of seeing the possibilities in others and remember to look within and see them there inside of me as well.
To all of you who have walked this path, I salute you. We are survivors and we have won.
Yeah, this challenge is laid to rest. One more to work on, last one #5 – Overthinking.
And the list, if you feel the need to work one one: