change, The Ideas

Challenge #4 – Putting Yourself Down

I say, “Welcome back.” It has been a long while since I wrote something other than in a journal this year and a half I’ve been away. My time away was due to my personal relationship ended after 13 years, I took it really hard. I am much better after taking a break. It is a good thing sometimes to just pair things down and just survive.

I will admit that this time was the time of “Putting Yourself Down”. As far as challenges go this would be something you’d want to change. But due to the changes in my life, this became the one thing that was unavoidable. It’s the worst thing you can do to yourself. It’s visceral and with a relationship ended that was not seen, you can only tear into yourself. Who needs enemies when you are your own worst enemy.

You are your worst enemy. It is your negative thoughts that hold you back, nothing else.

-Leon Brown

I second guessed myself, I berated myself for things that in hindsight I felt I should have seen. I have learned something simple is to see the flaws for what they were and did I learn something from them. Yes, I learned that you have to get the ‘stuff’ out of your head onto paper or you torture yourself as you go viscously in circles. That was the enemy within.

So writing down the things that you replay in your mind is the best thing to ‘airing your laundry’ kind of therapy. Not everyone will be comfortable writing things down. Many times I wished for him back. But in that, he refused to even talk to me. So I did all I could to not break down except at home. I shielded myself with work with mindless TV shows and journaling.

From my journal: “Do you feel the darkness, the mirror of your face reflected back at you from the deepest abyss and where you feel the pain like an all-consuming live hot wire and yet you feel the coldest of ice in your veins, like someone dead? When all that was is so destroyed, and you stare at a black mirror in that timeless space wishing things to end?…”

One paragraph after another was the catharsis that helped me move from one day to the next. My hashtag on IG was #onedayatatime and #healinginbitsandpieces. Each day was a gift and I did take a big breath and move through the days sometimes just chanting a mantra of “one minute, one hour” you can do this. Get up and walk for a minute and come back with my mind still holding hands with my sanity.

We also put ourselves down, in this time of stress and change. I said the below and more even hurtful things I’ll not post.

  • “How could I’ve not seen this?”
  • “What did I do wrong? Everything!”
  • “You’re getting old and stupid!”
  • “You’re a blind bitch!”

I had to stop at some point. That point came when we (body and mind are separate entities) were so raw with emotion and we can no longer cry, no longer yell at ourselves, no longer take the beratings. That we see ourselves at the bottom of the well and it is now empty. That we see the ladder and the light above our heads. We can then start to sew our body and mind back into one being.

Each day the journal helped empty my head and heart of feelings. Each day was a significant milestone, a year built into one day. We’ve all been there and we hate the way it makes us feel. We do come back to life, we do feel the shock disappear and we awaken once more to a beautiful day without the pangs of anger, loss, and helplessness. We also stop thrashing ourselves back and forth over the floor like a wet mop!

So I learned to not be my own worst enemy, for I had to be my friend when friends also have to go back to their family’s and their duties after supporting me. I am ever grateful for the late-night chats via text or phone that my friends provided that ‘life-line’ when I felt low. I am ever grateful that I looked into the abyss and saw myself and felt the fire and ice and was able to come back by sheer will. I am grateful that I learned to stop putting myself down for surviving each day. We cannot destroy ourselves for we have the desire to win, as long as we come to realize that.

I came to find the beauty in myself, the beauty in life, the beauty in being me, and being someone who can love themself without having to define it by another. I came to realize that being a visionary of seeing the possibilities in others and remember to look within and see them there inside of me as well.

To all of you who have walked this path, I salute you. We are survivors and we have won.

Yeah, this challenge is laid to rest. One more to work on, last one #5 – Overthinking.

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Want to check in on my other posted challenges you can use the following links. Challenge #1 – Trying to Please Everyone, Challenge 2- Fearing Change, Challenge #3 – Living In The Past

And the list, if you feel the need to work one one:

change, The Ideas

Challenge 2- Fearing Change

Well I’m back to Challenges and still think that the time or time between challenges is not going to be clinically 2 or 3 weeks. I believe that everyone deals differently in how to tackle, and work on challenges regardless of how they come up and how they eventually get executed.

Okay for previous Challenge 1 – came from my previous post and was all about busting habits we get ourselves into. Habits that can be detrimental to our everyday productivity and mental well being. I took on #4 Putting Yourself Down.

Well, after about 2 weeks I was catching myself internalizing the words and nipping the down-play quickly. In the 3-4 weeks zone I found myself more accepting of my ability to be truthful and uplift myself even if I fail at a project or fail to understand “How To” documents or other. (I am having issues with first time read-throughs and have to tackle it again. Reading and comprehending has always been something that I have to work on. And I love to read!! Imagine that!) Then at the 5-6 weeks time frame I noticed I didn’t have to catch myself, I found myself more confident and assure of myself. Now in the 7-8 weeks I know that the act of “Putting Yourself Down” has been trampled soundly in my mind.

So I’m ready for Challenge number #2, so I’m back at the same drawing board which one of the habits do I need to kick? I decided to do #2 Fearing Change. I feel it goes hand in hand with #4 and since I’m on a roll I decided to put this one on the playboard.  So for those of you wondering about the list, for brevity:  [1-Trying to Please Everyone, 2- Fearing Change, 3- Living in the Past, 4- Putting Yourself Down and 5- Overthinking].

So everyone has issues and things that they know they need to change and stall out on. Stalling, procrastination, delaying…whatever you want to call it. Call yourself out on it! (PS – my word I use all the time? “Procrastination”) Okay so with my big word out in the open, what does it have to do with “Fearing Change”? Everything, it has to do with everything that I am afraid of. Writing, losing weight, doing a good at my current workplace and even getting my dreams into reality!

Yes! Dreams those lovely things that we visit in our heads, those inner wishes that we build into mega towns or cities and we are Queens & Kings of that world. Who are you? CEO of  businesses, Independent writer, Entrepreneur extraordinaire, you name it and you dream it! Can you do the things necessary to make that change come into being? Can you step by step tackle that nasty bugger “Fear” and change those dreams into reality? How badly do you want it and what are you willing to work on to get it into the birthing canal to come into this world?

Okay, so I found out that tackling niche research, finding polls, asking questions of friends, looking into writing genres, reading, “Googling” topics and blogs and other sites I ran across to find out the little things that I need to make things work my way. I need to take classes. I need to read more. I need to work with a mentor. I need to produce things that are in my line of business that I need to be that CEO or that Independant or Entrepreneur. But fear of not being good? Well i’m finding out if you never try and you don’t pull that dream out of your head you will never get any indication of change. You will never have any progress to measure yourself or your success.

I’m not looking for notoriety, I’m looking to be successful at being productive. I’m happy that I’ve realized change is not harmful, but only the next step to learning something new. I’m productive at this time and that’s more than I was years ago when I started this blog. So I need to continue to write and need to continue this challenge, one at a time. Change is getting a new car, fear of not pulling a dream out of the clouds? Well I have no excuse, I only fail if I do nothing. I just need to complete things and not fear the outcome.

Right! Onward and upward. To all of you who find themselves in the same boat, I toss you ‘life-vest’ to join me and others on this quest.

Remember, don’t fear those who judge, for you are your own worst enemy. (IMHO:  I’ve been taking a lot of deep breaths and then continue on. Or I shelve the item and pick up something else that can be worked on until I can go back. It works!! Trust me, I’m doing it.)

Nims

Aside: (“Challenge #2 – watch me blow the doors off of you!”)

change

The Challenge 1

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Recently I posted “Fear of the Unknown”. This was a topic I started months ago and only recently posted. As April is a “spring cleaning” month, I looked at myself and noted that I needed help for things that only another could assist me with. In a metaphysical world there are many kinds of help. Energy healing, Reiki healing, Meditations, Life Coaching and more. There is literally something for everyone, without having to rely on medication to get us to change, accepting that we have the power to change without that. That is the route that I am going.
“What I’m sharing is not to sway by words or actions, to convert or pressure anyone into trying alternate methods. If you need help, start with the Medical establishment and go from there. I am very much aware of what I need and know that the establishment is not what I need at this time.”

Sometimes we have blockages and sometimes those blockages make themselves known. Bad habits, thoughts, etc. that have become so rooted in our physical and habitual bodies that we need outside help from others that can get us moving in the right direction. (I promise I’m not being deliberately ambiguous, but when you feel “off” that is a hard thing to describe.) So applying the old adage of “Mind over Matter” pretext, I’m trying to shape and change some deeply rooted issues.
“How you say?”

I took time out and look at myself energetically. From my aura so to speak. I sought out a metaphysical service provider to help me with energy blockages. To feel better in my soon to be “Future Self”! Bragging? Hardly, I just know that as a creature of habit that I am the only one to take those steps towards energy health. My Mom can nag me [insert chuckles] but I have to be the one that changes. I also took on a challenge that came my way. More on that in a sec.

So the changes that I am embarking on have centered around my chakras. Now, not all my chakras as getting the preferential treatment, just the ones that seem to be the worse off. Due to neglect, you say? Absolutely not, just too long going and going and putting off the inevitable check up until you have to dig in and say, “Stop!”. And the first one that is being looked at is the Root Chakra. There is lots of information regarding the Chakras and the root one is the one that for many takes a beating. If your interested there is a link that will give you some info here. (I’m not endorsing this link, just one that you can go and check out for more info.)

I’ve received information back regarding the healing that I requested and it even comes with homework. (Ugh) Yes, homework. I have some deep diving that needs to be done so that I can complete the work that was started by my lovely friend over at Earth-Energy Medicine. So once I start into that and complete that part, I hope to share some insights on that. But to get to the reason behind this post, “The Challenge”.

Challenge 1

Humans by and large are competitive. And challenges, well I decided “Go for it.”. Since I was putting “me” first for a change. It revolved around another post that my friend made on her Facebook page. Random helpful posts where “you” are taking the initiative to go forth and do the change. “Just Do It” as Nike’s slogan has been for years. Now I need to work it out.

Okay – here you go!

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Well not all 5 at once! That would be messy and insurmountable. But one or two should be easy right? A mind over matter, kind of thing? I have been living, breathing and labouring under all the above “directives”. Each one feels like a job, something that was a part of me on a day-in and day-out basis.

As I read each one separately I realized each is destructive. Each one in a studious light looked like “nasty habits” that I have been living with. My friend directed take one of the above and take bites out of it. Change it, kick this nasty habit to the curb. “Which one was the worst offender in my cabinet of habits?” All the above are sneaky and insidious but “Which One?” was the big kahuna of offenders?

My choice was #4Putting yourself down“. It is the one that I felt, was the worst in the list. A proficient killer to confidence and assurance in this world. So what did I reason out that it was doing to me that it became “numero uno” in the list?

  • It holds me back, by downplaying my importance in the grand scheme of my journey.
  • I tone down my importance in other’s lives.
  • I even “talk down” to myself that what I am and what I do is of no importance to others of my tribe, by family and even my closest friends.
  • The worst thing is? I allowed myself to believe it.

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So my journey begins. I am not sure how to start this “change” in myself. All I know that I have a blank journal that screams my name, begging for me to write down whatever comes to mind. I hope that soon I’ll be able to share some of the options, or shall I hope for clever quips?

Well if your in for the ride, welcome.

Cheers! To your health.